I know, I still lost to myself

The new year hasn’t arrived yet. I think I can say I’m 20 confidently. I just escaped from Chengdu, which had a livid face all year round. Before that, I knew nothing about subtropical climate except the rigid definition in books. When I was forced to face the huge city alone, I was surprised to find that a place could be both desolate and beautiful, and the two could live in peace day and night, maintaining a proper balance. I remembered that when I was in high school, I stuck my nose tightly on the window glass when the sandstorm was coming, and the sound of silence drove straight into my internal organs. That was me, A child who grows up in a northern city has the only reverence for nature. I didn’t mention to anyone that my dream had been traveling around the world before that, but the world I was eager to conquer was conquered by fear before I started, just like life. Probably from that time, I clearly knew that there must be something that was difficult to describe accurately in words but occupied most of my space in my life, entangled with me and fought with me, grow up with me and be deserted with me. Later, I remembered that it had a short name, called incapability. He is my short dream. But now I suddenly realize that his appearance itself is just like a large-scale exam, which is of great significance and far-reaching influence. Once I miss it, I can’t make up for it. Yes, maybe I have the decision-making power to participate for the second time, but the person who reappeared in that examination room became a stranger with fresh face. In fact, he himself is a kind of powerless in my life. When I wrote these words, I didn’t have any emotional fluctuations or derogatory meanings, and I just talked about things on the basis of facts. Finally, I passed by the collapsed disappointment calmly. I forgot to say that the expressionless acceptance of reality has become a common part of my life now. Sometimes I am unwilling to think why God makes me live so tired. Why is there always such a sword in my heart, which pokes at the most obvious place day after day, no matter how hard I try to hide it, or someone will find it? I ran to me in fear and hurriedly tried to cover my sins, but at this moment I accidentally stabbed someone. People passing by pointed at the knife in my hand and said, “it turned out to be a clumsy murder like deliberate murder. Every time at this moment, I want to raise my head and look at the sky, and I want to stay alone. Somewhere in my heart is extremely eager for peace and clarity, and I sincerely refuse to defend myself, I didn’t expect that they had completely different speculations. See, default. Why, why can even my accusation be so natural? I think I have passed that vigorous age, and I am not kidding. Just like the morning after finishing the exam, the sunshine came in slanting from the glass window, and countless dust struggled in the light. I lay on the sofa with tears. I asked my mother, why is my life so difficult? Mom carefully avoided her face. She knew that no matter how hard I tried, I still had to endure the bitterness of no progress in my grades. Later stories taught me that the pain which was so tiny to fleeting was not even a comma compared with the real pain which was coming. But I still regard it as the foreshadowing of my transformation into another kind of life. I knew it would tell a big thing once it turned around. I waited quietly. The narrow road in the world was born for sin. Is despair. What I said is not exaggerated at all. My new life is despair. Although sometimes I could laugh happily, nothing could stop the despair that came one after another in the dead of night. There are many thin strings in my body. The cold wind blows in, or the tornado in my heart bumps slightly, even if what brings it is just a slight shiver, it is enough to make me feel sad. I have to reject a series of new faces, even those who pursue vigorous nominally, a series of shocks that may burst out, and maintain the neurotic balance that only I can feel. Forgive me. I have to do this. I am really at a loss. I really have no choice. I can no longer allow anyone to go through fire and water for me in this difficult world, because I am not worthy. I looked at myself in the pale mirror and said, “My family is going to practice meditation. Without the comments from the audience, I laughed forward and backward. The real sense of shock made me angry and shy. Indeed, I just read two pages and fell asleep without any hesitation. When the will was crushed into the last fragment, I knew that I actually liked this not very clean world. Even if there were so many thick and clear stains lying under my feet, I still liked it. Maybe it is because of its crude and impure that I am so fascinated. I have told many people that what can make me try my best to love is something bad. I am such a person who knows clearly that something is wrong while silently allowing myself to do so. Hopeless. I used to tell myself that you seem to be old. In a flash, the next sentence must be, fuck you, my mother is beautiful. Now I tell myself that I am old. Then a voice answered me, “If you can’t do it, surrender, no matter what, surrender. When everything is completely killed by other new things, you will be liberated. You have already seen through the essence of your life. Admit it, it is barren. I’m so tired. Although I don’t know why you still don’t show up, I’m really tired. 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